Feeling Blue

I'm feeling blue.


This is being magnified by my incredible guilt for these feelings.  I, who am so blessed.  I, who write I love Sundays.


The trouble with being an optimistic soul who is rarely down is that it feels overwhelming, to myself and to others.


I'm known for my sunny outlook (well that and my love of food and wine).  My belief that life is good, people are good, (well except for a few scoundrels, as my friend would say), and that everything unfolds as it should, is my carrying card.  Do not ask me to explain world atrocities.  I can't.  All I know is, that in my own sphere of life, it is reaffirmed each day, that being positive and grateful brings more to feel positive and grateful for.   I live in abundance.  


On Thursday I was publicly thanked for my serenity and on Friday I felt anything but.  I felt sad, tired, anxious, oh, and did I mention, very, very, guilty, for feeling that way.  


Usually a day spent at home in my pj's, listening to beautiful music, doing a little reading and writing, and generally relaxing, would replenish me.  All this while being cheered on by mon amour, who shopped for food and wine, did our income tax, and organized papers, while I was napping on the couch.  Even after two huge bowls of the finest pesto pasta I have ever made, a bottle of fine wine, all enjoyed while watching a riveting movie, the sadness remained.  


But today, as I write this, I can feel the fog lifting a little.  While I am still far away from my children, when I wish oh so much, that we were all gathered together with family and friends for Easter.  While my heart is aching for dear ones who are struggling with their own sadnesses.  And, while I still find myself at an in between place - something that never sits easily with me.  


I hold on to two things that I know for sure.  I am loved.  I love.  For this moment, it is enough.  For every moment it is enough.  


A lot of me is very up, and you have to have light and shade. They are both important and you have to be able to balance them. You have to admit that sadness is part of you and that it enriches you. I use it in my work.  Imelda Staunton


All good things, k